The Dignity of Dennis

Oh man, I am dead. I am deader than one of Mike Vick's... ah Dennis don't go there. I am SCREWED like a phillips' head.

Stupid boosters. 'Make sure you keep the newsletter quiet', I told them. Rednecks couldn't listen.

Oh well, I will land on my feet. I am FRAN. That's right, Dennis has a plan. Fran is a BRAND, and I can sell a brand name.

I put players in the LEAGUE. Anyone ever heard of LaDanian Tomlinson? Who coached him? This guy! Reggie McNeal? This gu... wait, what? backup WR? Jail? Released? Oh.

Well frankly I don't know what these psychotic Aggies want. Every year I get us to a bowl, isn't that enough? I should be coach of the year for even getting eligible with this bunch. I mean they want me to compete to win the conference? Look, I'm getting the finest 2A and 3A talent from across the state. After Texas, OU, and LSU raid the good schools, I just don't have the horses to run in the Big 12. I mean I beat Tech, isn't that something? Well, I don't actually beat them on the field, but we usually end up with a better record, anyway. Everyone knows we'll get stuck in a bowl we're way overmatched in because 2 of the teams above us will get bumped to BCS bowls, and we'll end up playing the SEC #7. Stuck like chuck, that's us.

I mean how do you coach against ARMY?!?!? They're heroes, for goodness' sakes. I tried to lose to em, then that electro shock chip Byrne made the veterinarian hospital put in me went off... is he communist?!? Who schedules Army at a time like this then wants me to win?!? I showed that jerk though. I pooched it up real good that season, lost all kinds of games, got the heat under him to fire me, then BLAM! Colt McCoy, meet turf. Turf, Colt. You boys acquainted? Ha! Eat that Mr Byrne. Fire me now? I just beat t.u.!

Alright Dennis, focus! You have got to start thinking about where you can sell the Fran Brand next. Boise State? No way; I hate blue turf, and they might want 10 wins on occasion. Wyoming, perfect! White guys are fast enough to play defense there. I'll be GOLD.

I dunno what the big deal with the newsletters was anyway. Everyone knows I'm on a handcart heading out of here on greased rails, ol Franny Fran needed some QUESO before they run me out of TEJAS! What sort of people pay thousands for information on a 19 year old's groin tear status? Freak show boosters. Some bohunk that patented velcro, or builds skyscrapers in Houston, or owns all the oil wells in Navasota, these guys show FRAN the green to tell 'em Tyrone JoJack from Tinybutt, Texas has a strained pinky toe and is moving to 4th string LB? What else could I do?

BOOM. SELL IT.

Fran is all about selling Fran. That is Dennis' motto. Motto, I like that word. I'm going to make more of those stupid wristbands and make the team wear em again. This time they'll say "MOTTO", and 20,000 kids will pay $1 each for em this time too. SELL IT. Fran you're a genius.

Oh yeah, they may think I'm in trouble, but remember back at TCU? LaDanian ran all over that weak sauce of Conference USA, and what did ol' Fran do? Did I stay in Horny Toad Central, where they expected me to win after the best player in 30 years left? FRAN knew it was time to move on. 'RING RING, Tuscaloosa! I hear you're desperate to stop sucking, and you're easily impressed by me beating the worst run defenses in America with the next Jim Brown. You're looking for a head coach? What? No, but I play one on TV!' BOOM. Roll Tide? Roll FRAN. SELL IT.

I am a marketing MACHINE. "Hello, Aggieland? Bama here lost some scholarships before I got here, I had one halfway good season, and I do not like the view from here. These hosses in the SEC are tough on mediocrity. I hear y'all are mad at ol' RC, and that you like running teams. I got 2 words for you. ELL TEE. Yeah I can bring another one to CS just like him! Uh... well... because I used to coach in Texas!" BOOM. SELL IT.

Then I got here and found out RC recruited Vince Young Jr.? Oh even I can get 7 wins with that guy. And you know what seven wins means? It is extension time! "Well hello, board of regents! I hear you're running low on FRAN and it's time to restock!" BOOM. SELL IT.

Stupid Stoops. Everyone who ever tied a shoe on his staff is winning somewhere now. Bob, you can't sprinkle a little of that magic Sooner dust my way, you fairy?

What bowl can I get into with 6 wins? Need a bowl game to get a new job. What kind of bowl does 6 wins get you? The Emerald Nuts Bowl? Awesome. I can't sign anyone from Cali, not in my happiest dreams. There's a wasted trip. Plus I can't beat a team like FSU. Stupid Bowden's been an animated corpse with a robot brain for 4 years now and he still outcoaches me.

Wait, I got it! I'll finish with 7 wins and beat Texas. Oh yeah, that gives me my exit strategy. I learned it last year. I can make a good exit and screw the Aggies all at once. Watch how bad I lose to Stoops this weekend. Point spread is 21? Hahahahaha! We'll be down that in the first half. Ever wonder why I'm still running the option down 3 scores in the 3rd? Oh that's right, ol' Dennis knows the spread. Now the line will move huge against the horns.

Guess why no one can find that money from the newsletters? Three words: OFF.SHORE.BOOKIE. Let Stoops kick our butts until that line goes big against the Horns, then rise up and cash IN. Fran coasts out loser the rest of the season, then finishes with 7 wins. We'll lose to Sylvester Croom in the Valtrex Itchy Crotch Bowl on December 23rd, and then those Caribbeans send me the check. Choke on some of that, Byrne!

FRAN will land on his feet. I will sell some angry school on FRAN. I'll tell em if I lose a game I'll coach it for free! They don't need to know deep down I am all about the SKRILLA. That's how I think of it anyway. These Aggies pay me $300,000 per WIN, and the losses are free. That's what happens when you can market FRAN! Did you like that game against Montana state this year Ags? $300,000 for that 38-7 drubbing we put on em. Oh man no one hated ol Dennis when we started out 3-0. Louisiana Monroe, need more of those. Maybe I can get us to move conferences. They boo me when I lose to Miami on TV? It was free! Who can be mad about that? Boo when I lose to Tech again on TV? to OU? to... wait do I ever win on TV? Oh wait, Fresno State! That'll be $300K please! Stick that in your hullabaloo canecks!

Well, Aggieland has not been kind to FRAN, but watch what this loss to OU does. It's about a lot more than manipulating lines, it is about SCORCHED EARTH. Let someone try to recruit after I'm done here! This cow college, did they really think I'd do any better than RC? All he did was recruit one big name a year, then hand out scholarships to walk ons. If they thought the cupboard was bare after him, I will show them bare. Baylor is about to get a surge in "possession receivers" and "hard working defensive backs" I can tell you that.

Somewhere, a team is so angry, with boosters so rich, they'll hire me. I am a marketing GENIUS, and I sell FRAN. Gig that!

(image courtesy of www.southerngent.org)