Mid Week Fantasy Fantasies

Today is the day the injury reports come out, and the day most of us set our fantasy lineups for the weekend. So Wednesday will be the day we look in on fantasy football each week, and you will get the information you need to win your matchups!

Look, every website and every sports channel is choking on fantasy sports tips, who to sit or start, and who is your best desperation waiver wire grab. So what can your humble Priapism Pickem writers offer you that you can't get somewhere else?

We have the Fantasy Fantasies! This is the inside info you dream of, that little edge that you can get over your friends. Check here every week and we'll provide you with the strategies and tips that'll make those daydreams you have, when you're sitting in your office all bored, about crushing your fantasy sports opponents come true!

This week we will deal with the most fun, yet least written about aspect of fantasy sports competition: psychological warfare. The dozens of magazines and hundreds of sites touting fantasy shortcuts to victory never mention this obviously vital topic. Why is that?

That's because the average fantasy sports writer is the modern day Dungeons & Dragons player, finally having found a way to exert some "control" over all the big mean jocks who made his life miserable back in the day. What better way to prove how much smarter you are than to decide what jock gets to play and which one doesn't, and even better get other people to believe it?

Well, I'm not all hater, because these egghead analysts have their uses. I certainly don't want to research every little detail about my 3rd WRs tendencies on grass vs turf, home and away, vs this cornerback, with that guy's past performance on every surface under ever condition. But what good does that really do YOU? Everyone else in your league has access to Hector and Victor's predictions too. So where's the edge? There's not one. And you ain't getting this kind of edge from the sort of guy who looks at sports like a video game.

Let's get beyond that boring numbers stuff, and get into the next phase in fantasy sports competition. You must attack your opponents, not just hope that whichever lineup you end up selecting (and isn't that email your friends to see which TE you should start working out great?) gets you the W.

This is a subtle art, but it's the only way you can hope to achieve victory - and beyond victory, crushing the souls of your opponents (who are presumably your friends or coworkers, and clearly humiliating them will have no future negative consequences). Let's get our hands dirty, shall we?

1. No one can trade but you.

Etiquette is huge here. Stop having any. Vote against EVERY trade. Email people individually and act as though you and he are the only ones who are smart enough to see that every trade is collusion! Not everyone will agree, but enough will be weak. Then use the league email function to send a league wide email informing all the players that on the pending trade between Bubba's Ballas and Miguel's Cleverly Disguised Phallic/Sports Reference All Stars looks suspicious. Then announce that rather than lodging a formal request for a veto vote, you'd like to give Bubba and
Miguel a chance to do the right thing and take down the trade. Tell them a close friend has told you in confidence that Bubba admitted there's some cash on the side, or some other arrangement to secure this obviously lopsided deal.

Now this won't work at first. It's important that the more people ask you about this the more you refuse to name your source. After all, we're mostly friends in this league, and you don't want to start a silly fight over a fantasy trade, right? Sure! Now the guys making the trade will immediately suspect one of their inner circle. There's always a weak link, and everyone who ignored your private email will now suspect someone else of having participated. Someone else will ask for a vote, the veto will follow, and you get to look like the good guy!

The mistrust and confusion you'll have sown with these methods will soon yield dividends. The first trade that gets voted down for no good reason will result in bitterness. No one will be able to make any moves except the one guy who everyone thinks is on their side.

2. The Whipping Boy method

There's one guy in the league that everyone thinks is a little crazy. You needed a 12th, he's your brother in law, or in your office and overheard the cool guys talking about a league, or whatever. His comments are weird, he drafts kickers in the 3rd round, he's just odd.

Constantly defend him in the forum. Keep everyone from publicly being too mean to him. Then get in touch with him privately and encourage his erratic behavior. Tell him how funny you think his completely bizarre comments are. Then provide a target for him with a little personal info on your nearest competition.

The more uncomfortable you make the guys in your league, the less likely they are to be online when you need to be there to snap up some great free agents! Less frequent visits to the site by your enemies = success for you!

You thought Whipping Boy meant for you to whip people into submission? Oh that's schoolkid stuff man. You are going to use someone else to emotionally defeat the enthusiasm of those who would challenge for your throne!

3. Constantly complain about the rules

Give a loser an excuse for losing, and he'll find a way to accommodate you. Don't just whine though, that creates bad will. Suggest changes for next season at the beginning of the current season. Foment as much discontent as you can without actually complaining. "Hey, you guys ever think that this category is too random, and not a real measure of skill?" Another good tactic is to find out who voted for what categories, then play both sides off against each other. Sow division, plant discord, and reap victory!

Employ these tactics properly, and your friends will never blame you for their lack of fun. their lack of fun will be your gain of glory, however, as they stop paying close attention to your league. Remind them that their other leagues may be more fun, and while they're not focused on you, you can scoop up all the good matchups. Your fantasy fantasies will come true with these fail safe tactics!